Posted by Dr. Sukhraj Singh Dhillon, Cary, NC, USA
Used and Abused: Tale of Homely-Girl
The abuse that can happen, even, in the name of religion and God.
So she said "I cant forgive them"
And I said, "By forgiving them, you will be freeing your own mind. Do it for your own well being."
My friend, lets call her Homely-Girl in the words of the
marriage adverts in the back of the Punjabi papers. She was married last year to
a "Gursikh from Punjab" – her parents phrase. The phrase they used
all their life every time the subject of marriage came up. We don't mind who you
marry as long as he is a "Gursikh from Punjab". So in the tradition of
all Homely-Girls she sacrificed her own hearts desires and relied upon her
parents. And as the years ticked by, they started getting more desperate and
found some guy, any guy, her intuition told her he's not right for me. But her
parents and her age put pressure on her and she agreed. Her parents blew a small
fortune on throwing a wedding that would impress the relatives and respectable
Sikh society. They made all the same old promises in front of Guru Granth
Sahib Ji and listened to the same old last minute speeches about being nice to
She made the biggest mistake of her life. Used and abused by the Gursikh from Punjab. The final divorce paper came though the other day. "O I'm over it, I was upset at the time but I'm fine now."
Like hell she is! Its so obvious that:
She's angry at her parents for not allowing her to find her own partner and pressuring her into a marriage she didn't feel right about. Their reply to that? "Well you agreed!" Implying its her fault, refusing to feel guilty for their own actions.
She's angry at the guy for only getting married because his parents wouldn't get off his back. So he married and got divorced and now they will never say anything to him again. So now he is finally free of them and can marry who he really wants.
She's angry at God for punishing her like this. For everything else in life she has learnt something. But she cannot find one good thing that has come out of this. Or the reason why it happened.
She's angry at respectable Sikh society who now consider her as "used" and will not want their precious son to buy second hand goods.
So Homely-Girl what went wrong?
Lets break it down from God's point of view:
Where does God live? No not in the Gurdwara, Church or Mosque, but in each and every heart.
And what does your heart want to do as you grow up? It wants to live and love and be free. God inside each one of us wants to experience everything afresh , anew like its the very first time He's seen this amazing Creation. Watch a two year old play and you'll see God inside them so curious and enthusiastic.
But what happens to the heart?
We kill it's enthusiasm for life and for love.
Firstly parents pour on all kinds of pressures:
1. Emotional blackmail : "we worked so hard and this is how you repay us..." (plus lots of tears)
2. Greed "if you do that then I'll cut you out of my will."
3. Anger : verbal and physical abuse – shouting and threatening "I'll throw you out ...."
4. Respect : "what will other people think?"
5. Fundamentalism : "you have to marry a Gur-Sikh"
As you grew up your parents got so much pleasure from playing with you, they laughed when you made funny faces. They felt joy when you smiled. When you were hungry or ill, they gave you food and medicine and tender loving care. But now when you are old enough to start thinking about your love life, your happiness is no longer their
happiness. Your obedience is paramount. To the extreme you should stay single or even die and than be happy in loving someone your heart chose. Someone that God inside you chose.
Why do parents turn out like this?
Because they have killed their own hearts so long ago that they no longer remember what its like to love life. They have knocked down the Beautiful Temple of God inside, and in its place erected the dungeon of respect, rules and regulations and worst aspects of religion: fundamentalism.
They killed their own hearts, they lived with unfulfilled desires and think they made a sacrifice. And now expect you to make the same sacrifice too. They want to live out their unfulfilled desires through you. They want to kill your heart, and reprogram you with their empty idea of respect and status symbols – big house, rich in-laws, fast cars, respectable job and their code of religion.
So what was and still is the challenge for you Homely-Girl?
It is to stand up for your heart.
It is to honor God inside you , who is talking to you through your intuition all the time.
It is for you to smash out of your parents grip who are living in the past.
But that is the rare one.
Most children grow up and get throttled by the snake of parental and societal pressure. The heart takes the first major bullet. The head starts looking down, the shoulders start drooping, the feet start dragging – enthusiasm for life starts diminishing. You let parents overrule your own heart. And parents in turn are over ruled by their religion. They get defeated by the norms and forms and expectations of the religion. They put all the pressure of their own past and their religion on your young head. And you emotionally collapse to the ground in a heap. They tie the noose around your neck and marry you where they want, and when you agree and it doesn't work out – its your fault Homely-Girl – not theirs.
God gives each of us this one chance in time and space – this human body is a rare gift. This human body is your one chance to live your heart out in a life of love and joy. You are the future, your parents and the religion is the past. Don't let past override the present. Otherwise you blew your one chance in space and time.
The more outwardly religious parents and respectable society likes to look, the more empty their hearts tend to be. They have lost to the 5 thieves – anger, greed , lust, attachments and pride. They have developed minimal Truth , Love and Compassion. They think they brought you into the world and you are their property. They think they have
invested in you for two decades and you owe them big time! What a big illusion. They have bowed to Guru Granth Sahib ji thousands of times, "taken amrit", worn the uniform but learnt nothing. You are not anyone's property but God. No one owns you but God. You owe nothing to anyone but God. You were born alone crying, and will die alone. Your parents will not be there when you die, your parents will not be able to take your pain when you are hurt, your parents will not accept blame when you get married where they tell you to and you come home divorced. You are your own person. You will reap the rewards of whatever you have sown. You will be judged for your own actions. Your parents will not be standing with you in front of God.
KARMEE APO APANEE
Our deeds are our own
KAE NEREY KAE DUR
Some get closer , others go further away from God.
JAP JI (AGGS p8).
In the words of a famous quote "You die your own death, so live your own life."
So do the right thing, turn your back on the past, stand up for what God inside your own heart is telling you to do – your own unique path to God – the Eternal Truth – the One Love.
The only good parents are the ones that say "The smile on my child's face is the only honor I need."
The only good religion is the one that says "Forget about religious labels, caste labels, color and wealth – the greatest thing is LOVE for NAAM in your heart and in every heart."
So Homely-Girl you get to start again. Now your parents can't pressure you to get married, now your age doesn't matter. So the divorce papers have come through, but he's not out of your life until you get him out of your thoughts of revenge and anger. So you have to forgive him and forgive your parents and start again. Now stand up for what God in your heart wants – not what your "parents code of religion" wants, not what your "living in the past" parents want and not what your "respectable" society wants.
WAKE UP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.
God Bless You to live the life HE wants you to.
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